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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  August 9, 2011 12:00am-1:05am EDT

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looters have been arrested as fires blaze. british police are reporting significant protest in four other cities. "gma" will have the latest in the morning. for all of us at abc news goodnight. for year, we've been told our kids andnd grandkids are gog to have to pay the price for our out of control spendidi. now it turns out we have to pay for it. that was not part of the deal. >> aziz ansari. >> they'll be like, hey, aziz, guess what, you're fired. get out of here with all your chocolate. >> chris harrison and music from eric church. >> i'm what they call a problem solver.
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>> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with the samsung galaxy tab 10.1. it's loaded with features like a 10.1 inch hd touchscreen, high-quality speakers, and both front and rear-facing cameras. the powerful dual-core processor means faster browsing, smoother gaming and graphics and better overall performance -- video chatting is as smooth as can be. in fact, let's try it out now with our friends fred and kay in tennessee. thanks to the samsung galaxy tab, fred anankay are just a video-chat away. hello, fred and kay. >> hey there, how you doing? >> jimmy: how's your samsung galaxy tab working out?
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>> it's awesome, i love it. >> don't want to put it down. >> jimmy: i heard you written a song about it? >> absolutely, hot as a firecracker and hog wired. >> jimmy: all righty, here we go. ♪ the samsung galaxy tabb ♪ it's cutting edge ♪ you got to have ♪ the crystal clear picture i i classy ♪ ♪ thin, trim, stylish and sassy ♪ ♪ if you've never tried it ♪ you ought to go buy it ♪ the samsung galaxy tab >> jimmy: wow, beautiful, thank you, fred and kay. >> dicky: the samsung galaxy tab 10.1 -- ultra-thin, crisp h-d clarity and high-quality speakers. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live" is back in two minutes with chris harrison, music from eric church and aziz ansari.
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get 5% cash back when you use chase freedom for gas. don't miss out. activate your 5% today. go to chase.com/freedom. to help us with an experiment for the febreze set & refresh. they agreed. [ facilitator ] take a deep breath. what do you smell? there's a freshness. tually it takes me outdoors. apples and pears. sort of a crisp, fresh feeling. it's a friendly environment. [ facilitator ] go ahead and take your blindfold off. [ laughs ] no... [ male announcer ] the febreze set & refresh with scented oils that eliminate odors for 30 days so you can breathe happy, guaranteed. from hollywood, it's jimmy
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kimmel live. tonight, aziz ansari. from "bachelor pad," chris harrison. and music from eric church. with claeto and the cletones. and, now, above all, here's jimmy kimmel! [ applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. hi there. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for coming. thank you for ignoring the very serious problems facing our country to watch the show tonight. as you probably heard, the united states' credit rating has been downgraded to aa plus. which, am i the only one who thinks that sounds pretty good? i'd settle for a dd plus myself.
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apparently, this is a very bad ththg. because aa is short for "ah, the economy's about to be destroyed." the president took hisisamily to the olive garden this weekend. his credit card got declined. it's embarrassing. standard & poor's, which is the company that downgraded us, said our credit rating could drop even lower. in case you don't understand what a credit rating downgrade means to a country, basically, you know that cousin that asked you for $900 to get his deejay company off the ground? that's us. that's what we are to china right now, we're cousin ray. we owe china more than $1 trillion. and i don't know where we're going to get $1 trillion. here's what i propose. insteaeaof paying the money in cash, let's give them florida. florida's worth $1 trillion, right? disney world, the beach. they can wear it as a hat for all they -- i'm what they call a problem solver. wall street got hammered today.
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wall street got so hammered, ronnie and "the situation" tried to have sex with it. the dow dropped almost 635 points. that's the sixth largege drop in history. and that's -- i'm angry about that. because for years we've been told that our kids and grandkids are going g have to pay the price for our out of control spending. now it turns out we have to pay for it? that was not part of the deal. president obama went on tv today to say even though we've been downgraded the u.s. is still, quote, a aaa nation. unfortunately, he meant it in the minor league baseball sense. obama said in spite of the instability, america's finances and economy remain fundamentally sound. he does recommend we learn how to hunt with homemade bows and a rows just in case. the president spent much of the speech trying to downgrade the downgrade. i think he was being a little bit optimistic. >> markets will rise and fall. but this is the united states of
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america. no matter what some agency may say, we've always been and always will be a aaa country. for all the challenges we face, we continue to have the best universities. some of the most productive workers. the most innovative companies. the most adventurous entrepreneurs on eartrt [ applause ] >> jimmy: that seems excessive. he's gonna need that. in the wake of this credit rating downgrade and the debt ceiling fiasco, a new poll shows disapproval of congress is at an all-time high. "the new york times" and cbs did a poll that shows a record 82% of americans disapprove of the job congress is doing. and the other 18% weren't home when the question was asked. [ laughter ] you know, we could just fire everyone in congress and hand it over to the kardashians. they seem to be doing okay. guillermo, are you angry at
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congress? >> iuh, i don't know, jimmie. >> jimmy: did you have a good weekend? >> yeah. >> jimmy: i heard you played golf for the first time. >> yeah. >> jimmy: who did you play with? >> rubin, the lighting guy. >> jimmy: rubin took you? they went to the driving range togegeer. rubin was kind enough to shoot some video of our little baby's first time on the golf course. there he is. you can see -- he had a left foot. that's the problem. it's more -- it's less of a stroke and more like you're having a stroke, guillermo. all right. here we go. really just dig in there. well, you got the backswing. not bad. all right. there you go. [ applause ] that's not bad. you hit it straight.
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how many drinks did you have throughout the course of the day? >> three. >> jimmy: all right. for r ose who don't know, guillermo math, that means seven. season two of "bachelor pad" premiered here on abc tonight. this is a show where former contestance from "the bachelor" and "the bachelorette" l le in a mansion together to compete for $250,000 and possibly a second chance at love and possibly a third chance at herpes. [ laughter ] the show tonight, the premiere, was their hours long. three hours. that's longer than the actual "bachelor" relationships. [ laughter ] and they've got quite a setup. former bachelor jake pavelka is in the house with his ex-fiance vien vienna. she's dating a former "bachelorette" contestant casey. i was just thinking the other day, i wonder what happened to those people i couldn't possibly care less about and now i know. here's jake seeing his former fiance vienna with her new
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boyfriend casey who hates jake and they're seeing each other for the first time since their unpleasant break you. >> how are you? >> well. >> good, good to see you. you look -- you look nice. and i met casey so -- how's everybody doing? >> it's a little cold out here. >> yeah, it gets to be about 900 during the day and like minus 200 at night. >> it's been raining. it's been raining for the past couple of days. >> here in l.a. has? nice. i didn't know it ever rained here. >> yeah, it's been raining, it's kind of sucked. it's horrible. >> nice. aren't you guys cold? >> we're freezing. >> freezing. >> trying to head inside actually. eventually. >> let's g g >> let's do it. great meeting you guys. >> all right, so you see why they needed three hours.
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that was comfortable. "bachelolopad" was created to give contestants from "the bachelor" and "the bachelorette" another shot at i guess love. the problem is, what if they strike out on "bachelor pad 2" which is a problem, so we're debuting this new show next week. >> they didn't find love on "the bachelor." >> i know there's someone waiting for me. >> they struck out on "bachelor pad." >> i'm an emotional wreck right now. >> so they're giving it one last shot on "the bachelor dumpster." six former "bachelor" contestants living in a dumpster for six weeks. >> you are the hottest girl in this whole dumpster. >> really? >> yeah. >> [ bleep ] you, man. >> are you kidding me, [ bleep ] you! >> [ bleep ], [ bleep ]! >> please enjoy a night in the fantasy suite. yeah. nice. >> "bachelor dumpster."
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tuesdays at 9:00. >> will you accept this roach? >> yes. >> on abc. [ applause ] >> jimmy: so we have that. the ashton kutcher era of "two and a half men" has begun. they taped the first episode of next season friday night. rumor was, they would kill charlie sheen's character off. and apparently they did. he gets hit by a train. someone threw a hooker on the tracks and he went after her. i was thinking, this is an unusual event in television. i don't know a sitcom has ever murdered their main character before. not since joanie strangled cha-cha has this happened anyway. we went out on to the street to get reactions from the fans of the show. here's what they thought. >> i never seen it but i think
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trains are really dangerous. i've never taken a train myself. and i only take buses. i'm not a big fan of public -- >> jimmy: that is unfortunate. and ironic too i guess. good news for you single guys out there. kate gosselin of "jon and kate plus 8" told ann curry this morning on the "today" show she's ready to start dating again. she said there are a number of obstacles to dating agagn. specifically eight obstacles. nine if you count her mullet. kate said she's looking for someone with a good sense of humor and a vie sectomy. we should make her the next "bachelorette." instead of roses, she can hand out children. [ laughter ] if you're a fan of the gosselin show on tlc, here's something you might want to set your dvr for. a new reality show called "big hair alaska." it's set in the salon in wasilla, alaska where sarah palin gets her hair done.
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go ahead and mark monday august 8 in your calendar as the day we officially ran out of reality show ideas. [ cheers and applause ] tlc -- i don't know, they have high hopes for the show. they released a promo for it today. from the looks of it, think it's going to be ridiculous. >> sarah palin's alaska captured the fascinating life of a former governor. this season, tlc goes back to answer one burning question. >> who does her hair? >> step inside the beehive. the salon that created sarah'ss signature do. >> sarah would come in two, three times a month. she'd bring todd and the kids sometimes. she was my best customer. >> where the personalities are as big as the hairstyles. >> can i get the big poofy blowout? >> you betcha. [ gunshot ] >> wow. >> "big hair alaska" coming this fall.
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>> on tlc. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: nice. this is pretty good. last week, the legendary manager of the dodgers tommy la sort that was at a charity event. rarely do the reporters ask you about the charity. they mostly ask dumb questions about nothing. this dumb question comes from a sports website where the 83-year-old baseball legend seemed slightly distracted by something on the carpet. >> football was america's game. baseball was america's game. and boxing was america's sport. why did it change over the years? >> who knows? i don't know. you're talking to the wrong man. i don't know what to tell you. you're talking to the wrong guy. >> looking back, growing up, did you have any -- >> how would you like to pitch to that guy? 3-2, bases are loaded. what do you throw him? >>. >> jimmy: the thing about tommy,
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he's always thinking strategy. i'd throw him a swedish meatball. and one more thing, scientists in south korea have create add dog that can glow in the dark -- finally. >> they look like your average beagles. all frisky and rambunctious. but they have a special feature. once you turn off the lights and shine an ultraviolet light on them, they glow. >> jimmy: they turn green like a paris hilton sex video. apparently they're hoping this research can be used to f fd cures for diseases like alzheimer's and parkinson's. how i don't know. all i know is we don't need doggings that glow in the dark. we need dog poop that glows in the dark. practical. the fluoresorescents can be swi on and off. they're even running this fake commercial we made up. >> can't find your dog? the dark? >> clap on. clap off. clap on, clap off. the clapperdor. >> and for smaller dwelling, the
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clapradoodle. >> available at walgreens. >> jimmy: we got a good show tonight. from "bachelor pad," host chris harrison is here. music from eric church. right back with aziz. stick around. [ male announcer ] it seems everyone is saying they have the best unlimited plan. here's the truth. at&t and verizon give you unlimited text and talk, but charge you extra for going over 2 gigabytes of data. t-mobile claims they're unlimited, but use your phone a lot and they slow down your data speed. with sprint, you don't get charged extra, you don't slow down. and you get unlimited data, text and calling, to any mobile for only $79.99. the best unlimited plala wins. trouble hearing on the phone? visit sprintrelay.com ......ny mobile for only $79.99.
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>> jimmy: hi, welcome back. tonight on the program, a man who over the years has facilitated more random hook-ups than the casual encounters section on craigslist -- host of "the bachelor," "bachelorette," and "bachelor pad" chris harrison is here.
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and then, with music from his new album, this is the number one album in the country, it's called "chief." eric church is here -- from the bud light stage. tomorrow night, jessica alba will be here. we'll make sandwiches with steve martorano and we'll have music from luke bryan. so join us tomorrow night too. our first guest tonight is probably the funniest east indian comedian who was born and raised in south carolina ever. you know him from "parks and recreation." you can see him in the new comedy "30 minutes or less. it opens in theaters on friday. please say hello to aziz ansarar [ applause ] how are you? >> very good. >> jimmy: you look nice. you look very -- you're an eligible bachelor, right? >> i am. >> jimmy: you're not a guy who's tied down, are you? >> currently i am not tied down, yes. >> jimmy: very good. >> yeah.
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yeah, i just turned 28 this year. and it's been a fun year. i found this to be the year where a lot of people i went to high school and college with that i lost touch with over the years will now call me and -- they're in different parts of their life now and they'll say things like, aziz, you're not going to believe it, just had a baby. and i always have the same reaction. i always say that sucks. oh, man. you're going to have to take care of that thing for 18 years and make sure it doesn'turder anyone. i'll talk to you later. i'm going to do literally anything i want. because i don't have a baby. so many options for me. >> jimmy: never, no babies for you ever? >> i mean, eventually, but i don't know, it's so scary to me, all that adult stuff. you get these em-mails where people have the photo of the baby attached. hey, welcome lindsay to universe. i always just write back, unsubscribe. don't recall signing up for this mailing list. excuse me, i'm going to put your baby in my trash.
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>> jimmy: i guess that's what happens, isn't it? so you are not asked to baby-sit a lot then i would guess. >> no, why would anyone be a baby-s baby-sitter? that seems so scary. i'm scared to hold babies. you don't know. you drop the baby and then that could happen. i know -- i know the thought would be, oh, well, you're holding a baby, you're going to be careful. you won't drop it. every time, i hold my iphone, i'm very careful, i drop it all the time. [ applause ] and let's be honest, i care more about my iphone than most of these babies i'm holding. i'm not going to drop a baby and lose all my contacts. oh, no, i dropped that baby and now i got to redownload all my mp3s. i forgot to sync that baby recently. >> jimmy: so it's good, don't ask -- no baby and no holding. not even for a photograph? >> no, i'm scared. >> jimmy: you could never be president. >> yeah, i guess not. >> jimmy: you're going right across the street to your big premiere right after we'e' done here, right?
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>> yes. >> jimmy: that's exciting. >> it's crazy. it's the first movie -- i've been in a movie the whole time. normally i'm there for a couple minutes and i'm gone. this time, it's my brown face the whole movie. it's really crazy. >> jimmy: that's pretty cool though, huh? i mean -- [ applause ] yeah, at least -- you're one of the stars of the movie, not just a friend that occasionally pops up. >> no, this is me. yeah, it's crazy. now, like, i have to talk about the movie all time. normally i'm in the movie for a couple minutes so there's reporters that will be like, what was it like working on the movie? i'll be like, i was only there for a couple days. now i got to answer all these questions about the movie. >> jimmy: do you mind doing that? >> i don't mind. i just don't have much to say. people sometimes -- reporters act like they're mad at me because i don't have a better answer. this movie's about a pizza delivery guy. you ever deliver pizzas? no. okay. what was it like working with jesse eisenberg. he was really nice.
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[ laughter ] the most -- >> jimmy: you got to come up with something, anecdotes. >> i guess i should. that would be a good idea. >> jimmy: next time, just keep it in mind d ding the, you know -- >> seems like i would anticipate those questions. >> jimmy: yeah. what do you get asked the most? >> the t tng that gets asked most i find, and i've found this in all acting stuff, people ask this stuff, were there ever any pranks on set? that's not a thing that happens. i don't know how this got started. i think like george clooney dropped a bucket of chocolate on a director one time. if i put a bucket of chocolate on the direct, they're like, hey, aziz, guess what, you're fired. >> jimmy: no hijinks on your set? >> no, i don't laike open my trailer. oh, e eenberg put a bunch of piglets in here again. it doesn't happen. there are no pranks. if you did that stuff, people would be really mad. if you spilled a bunch of water on someone, they'd be like, his
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clothes are ruined, his makeup's messed up, we're going to have to delay the production for, like, three hours. i hope that was worth it,aziz. >> jimmy: yeah. >> he's all wet, it's hilarious. >> jimmy: i know you were just on a tour of -- in the only in the united states but you were over in europe, right? >> yes, i did a stand-up tour. it was a lot of fun. >> jimmy: was that your first time going over there? >> yeah. >> jimim: stand-up? >> yeah, i'd never toured internationally before. it was really fun. you meet a lot of interesting characters on tour. my favorite person i met on tour was, i had this guy that picked me up at the airport, took me to the venue. i was talking to him. what did you do before you were a driver? used to be a celebrity bodyguard. i was like, who did you bodyguard for? he's like, you name it, miley cyrus, jonas brothers. i was like, whoa, out of all the people you bodyguarded for, who was the toughest person who had the craziest fans. toughest person, cher. craziest fan, pauley shore.
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and i was like, what, those are both wrong answers. i can do security for pauley shore. hey, man, can you leave pauley shore alone, thanks. all right, pauley, let's go, those two guys are gone. >> jimmy: wow. and you -- the audiences, they get the jokes and that sort of thing when you're in another country? >> yeah, i mean, it was all in english so they picked up on everything. >> jimmy: well, that works out perfectly then i guess. are you shooting "parks and recreation" right now? >> yeah, we just started back a couple weeks ago. [ applause ] thank you, thank you very much. >> jimmy: there's something -- well, this is quite an honor. this comes from trader joes in virginia. this is your immortalized on their wall. >> it's crazy. that's a line i said in the show. >> jimmy: yeah, something you said on the show. >> my character said his abbreviation for chicken parm
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was chicky chicky parm parm. >> jimmy: your character says a lot of annoying things. wow, they took paint and they just put you right up there. >> someone had a brown marker and they made it happen. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i'm actually a little bit so it's kind a conflict of oods interest. >> jimmy: that is a conflict of interest. >> also piggly wiggly but that's only in the south. >> jimmy: this is kind of cool. this say website -- again, your character -- >> yeah, the people that watch our show are -- do the nicest things. like on the internetetnd stuff. this website, it's like dogs that look like tom haberford.com. >> jimmy: one. yeah, see what they're saying there. all right. we got a -- really good. [ applause ] you got one more. there you go. the dogs really do look like tom.
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the movie is called "30 minutes or less." it opens this friday. we'll be right back with aziz ansari. [ male announcer ] this...is the network -- a network of possibilities. in here, the planned combination of at&t and t-mobile would deliver our next generation mobile broadband experience to 55 million more americans, many in small towns and rural communities, giving them a new choice. we'll deliver better service, with thousands of new cell sites... for greater access to all the things you want, whenever you want them. it's the at&t network... and what's possible in here is almost impossible to say.
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okay, here we are. handguns, what do you think? >> it lacks real. get down on the ground and give
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me the money in the bank. >> wait, how am i supposed to get you the money if i'm on the ground? >> go get the money and get on the ground afterwards. >> all right, i'll be right back. >> masks. you sure you don't want to grab some condoms? >> no, why. >> because this is usually what men buy before they rape someone. >> oh, we're not rapists. us two small fries? no way. >> is this going to be cash or credit for your rape k k? >> jimmy: that's "30 minutes or less," opens in theaters this friday. the movie's very funny. you did a great job in it. >> thank you, thank you. >> jimmy: tell everyone what the idea of the film is. >> the movie is basically me and jesse eisenberg play these two guys who are best friend. we have a falling out early in the movie because i find out he slept with my twin sister. then these bad guys played by danny mcbride and nick
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swarsen -- >> jimmy: very funny in it. >> they're hilarious. they force him to rob a bank. heheas no one to turn to for help except me. i think it's just really funny because it's me and jesse eisenberg robbing a bank. it's not like it's val kilmer and keanu reeves. >> jimmy: this is before he invented facebook? >> we did this promotion. and this like older -- really old woman came up to him and was, like, i just got to thank you because i don't get to see my grandkids every day and because of your website, i do. [ applause ] >> jimmy: he probably gets that a lot. was this -- was this your first, like, action movie? >> yeah, it's the first -- you know, there's no like car chases and stuff in "parks and rec." it's in the office, chilling out
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in parks and stuff. this is like we're robbing banks. there's car chases. it's really cool. and car chases, it was interesting because it takes so long to film a car chase. it's so complicateded there's like one big car chase in the movie and it took us almost like a week to film it. you watch a movie like "fast and the furious" you're like, whoa, this whole movie is a car chase. did they start filming this 30 years ago? was vin diesel 6 when they started production. >> >> jimmy: no, i think they do it faster than you guys. >> faster and more furiously. >> jimmy: i know you have to go to your big premiere. thank you for being here. aziz ansari! "30 minutes or less," opens in theaters this friday. we'll be right back with chris harrison. ♪
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we're back. still to come, eric church will be with us. not since captain stubing presided over "the love boat" has one man guided so many couples into televised bliss. he is host of "the bachelor," "the bachelorette," and "bachelor r d," which you can see monday nights at 8:00 here on abc. please welcome chris harrison. [ applause ] >> awesome. >> jimmy: three hours long, that's a lot of "bachelor pad," right? >> it's a little much. >> jimmy: do yououet paid extra for the third hour? >> here's my thing. i was the first one to rip on james comb ran when he told me "avatar" needed to be three hours. now, three hours wasn't really enough. >> jimmy: for "the bachelor pad." >> the late local news, they should have killed it, could have easily been four hours. we had much more casey and
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vienna sex scenes. >> jimmy: there's a lot going on there. it's a good idea. you're just -- really, 'cause -- you know, we think, "the bachelor," they're looking for love and "the bachelorette" they're looking for love and there's end goal but they never really find love anyway so you might as well throw them all in a house together. . >> i would love to think it was our producing, we've created this phenomenal tv show. i think a large part of it is abc, it's summer, they don't give a crap, they're like, yeah, take the entire night. like, what else does abc have on monday night? take it. >> jimmy: nothing else is going on. you're monday night football now. >> yeah. >> jimmy: are you surprised by how many guys watch and get involved in the show? i find myself surprised that i get involved in the show. >> you are -- and your friend howard stern is a huge fan. >> jimmy: he is. >> you wouldn't think we have the same audience. >> jimmy: no, you would not. >> i'm always amazed by the people would stop me and say things. the manliest of all men who god ever created -- >> jimmy: wait, let me guess.
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>> it's not jake pavelco. >> jimmy: billy bush? >> clint eastwood. >> jimmy: clint eastwood? that is the manliest. >> he and his wife are "bachelor". >> jimmy: wow, really? >> his wife was nice enough to drag me in and introduced me. he says, i watch your show from time to time. i wasn't sure if i should be sad because my hero is watching such a show, you know? but you're clint eastwood, you can't watch that crap, you're better than that! but he's a fan. >> jimmy: i like to imagine him with clyde the orangutan sitting on the couch. now, bentley this guy bentley, i want to ask you about. this is the guy who's on "the bachelorette." for those who don't know, he was pure evil, like satan personified, true? >> he's not a great guy. i don't know if he's the spawn of satan. >> jimmy: close to it though. >> second cousin. >> jimmy: intentionally -- he had no interest in ashley the
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bachelorette but he toyed with her emotions. to the camera, he'd say, oh, i'm not interested in her. but he kept -- he strung her along and he made her -- he embarrassed her really. >> i don't know what his end game was. >> jimmy: i don't know what it was either. because he didn't come on "the bacheloret bachelorette," the tell-all special, the men tell-all. apparently realized he'd become the most hated man in the united states of america. >> and he's canadian which that too. lp. >> jimmy: what i was wondering, how much did you know about what he was up to when it was all going on? >> not a lot. i think people have to realize it happened really quickly. he was gone after the first couple of weeks. we never even had a conversation. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> i had heard he was, you know, not there for the right reasons and it was, you know, taking some shots at ashley and all that. i let her know as much as i could along the way. finally, when we got to hong kong, i sat her down and i'm like, look -- and i kind of stepped over the bounds of host
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and proverbally slapped her around, like, you got to get rid of this guy. >> jimmy: she didn't listen. >> finally in hong kong, i'm like, ashley, he's going to go into this room. you're going to have this meeting. he will talk for an hour and a half and he will say nothing. you leech the conversation with a smile feeling good about yourself. then it's kind of like eating chinese food, an hour later, you're hungry. you realize, wait, he didn't say anything. >> jimmy: a very handsome guy. good a talking. she seemed to be caught up in it. at the end of it, she realized, oh, she just kind of -- >> yanked your chain for another hour, yeah. >> jimmy: as host, priest or therapist, are you prevented -- is there some rule you're not allowed to interfere with the -- like god, you cannot interfere with the goings on of the earth? >> i did my work in the first seven days and now i'm resting and i watch my people. i created "bachelor mansion." go forth. no, it's -- so there is kind of that gray line of not telling people what the contestants say
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behind their back. because the show would really change if all ashley had to do was say, can i see the tapes, i want to see what j.p. says. that really changes the entire show. so there is that gray line we really don't cross. the producers don't go up and say, by the way, bentley called you a ugly duckling. >> jimmy: what if they were planning to kill? would you be allowed to interfere? >> who's going to die? >> jimmy: speaking of that, let's go through some of the undesirables you guys have packed into the house. >> for "bachelor pad." the best show we've ever created. it is fee fom nall. >> jimmy: it is something else. this is vienna who was engaged to jake pavelka. >> can i just say, that's the new nose. >> jimmy: she now hates jake. they were engaged. now she is with another guy. now, if you don't know who jake is, he was the pilot. >> wait, put -- he looks better with her hair.
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do that agagn. >> jimmy: might not be -- yeah, yeah -- >> he's a beautiful woman. >> jimmy: yeah, he almost looked like justin bieber like that. this is casey and this guy casey is now dating vienna. >> right. >> jimmy: casey was a bachelor on -- or contestant -- >> on ali's season. we left him on a glacier. >> jimmy: he seems to be a little crazy, right? >> he's gotten -- i don't know how, but he's got been four times bigger than the last time we saw him. >> jimmy: how do you think that happened? >> i don't ow. a card fell out and barry bond's picture was on it. i'm not saying anything but -- >> jimmy: he's a lot bigger and a lot scarier and seems angrier. >> that's michael stalgiano. he was engaged to holly. they were both contestants on separate shows. yet in our weird incestuous world, this got engaged off the show. >> jimmy: it's weird because the people you want to get engaged really rarely get engaged.
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these two people wind up getting engaged. even though her head is much bigger than his. >> unfortunately, before "bachelor pad," they broke up. >> jimmy: they broke up. and now you've put them in the house together. >> genius. >> jimmy: all right. this is michelle. she was the villain. >> michelle money, yeah. she's also the girl that texted ashley to warn her about bentley. >> jimmy: oh, she's the one? >> yeah, she's the one. >> jimmy: wow, so maybe she isn't such a villain. >> well. >> jimmy: maybe she is. and this is gea. gia was with jake. he sent her home. then vienna slept with her boyfriend. >> you got to bring that back. where's vienna. >> jimmy: vienna is back here. she slept t th her boyfriend wes. now these two hate each other. seems like almost everyone in the house hates vienna. >> it seems to be a consensus, yeah. >> jimmy: do you think -- >> by the way, my show doesn't seem so interesting now. i don't know why we had three hours, looking at it like this. >> jimmy: i think it's better when their bodies aren't made of popsicle sticks. >> no, they are, that's the
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weird part. >> jimmy: it is a really weird thing. >> the entire show is me doing this. >> jimmy: ultimately, though, ultimately, everyone goes in the house and everyone fights and at the end, you declare a winner and the winner gets $250,000. >> they fight and then as you saw on the premiere, you know, tonight then they make love -- >> jimmy: yes, there's a lot of sex. >> we wanted to show more but the abc lawyers are like -- theyeye very particular about what they'll show. the covers can't be moving. they can't be on top of one another. they're very particular about what they show. >> jimmy: yet we know for a fact the abc lawyers themselves are insatiable in the sack -- >> no, actually, i walked in on -- they have the barbie doll parts. it's all smooth down there. it's really awkward. >> jimmy: congratulations on yet another show. i look forward to the next one. chris harrison, everyone. monday nights at 8:00 on abc. right back with eric church.
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>> jimmy: this is his new cd. it is called "chief."
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it is the number one album in the united states. here with the song "homeboy" -- eric church. ♪ you were too bad for a little square town with your hiphop hat and your pants on the ground ♪ ♪ heard you cussed out mama pushed daddy around before you tore off in his car ♪ ♪ here you are running these dirty old streets tattoo on your neck fake gold on your teeth ♪ ♪ got the hood here snowed but you can't fool me we both know who you are ♪ ♪ homeboy you're gonna wish one day that you were sittin' on a gate of a truck by the lake ♪ ♪ with your high school flame on one side ice cold beer on the other ♪ ♪ ain't no shame in a blue collar forty little house little kid little small town story ♪
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♪ if you don't ever do anything else for me just do this for me brother come on homeboy ♪ ♪ i was haulin this hay to uncle joe's farm thought of us barefoot kids in the yard ♪ ♪ man it seems we were just catchin' snakes in the barn now you're caught up in this mess ♪ ♪ i could use a little help unloading these bales i could keep you pretty busy with a hammer and nails ♪ ♪ ain't a glamorous life but it will keep you outta jail not worry us all to death ♪ ♪ homeboy you're gonna wiwi one day you were sittin' on a gate of a truck by the lake ♪ ♪ with your high school flame on one side ice cold beer on the other ♪ ♪ ain't no shame in a blue collar forty little house little kid little small town story ♪
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♪ if you don't ever do anything else for me just do this for me brother come on homeboy ♪ ♪ come on homeboy you can't hold back the hands of time ♪ ♪ mama's goin' gray and so is daddy's mind i wish you'd come on back and make it all right ♪ come on homeboy ♪
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♪ come on homeboy ♪ ♪ ♪ come on homeboy ♪ ♪ home boy come on homeboy ♪ [ applause ] >> jimmy: i want to thank aziz ansari, chris harrison. apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time. tomorrow night, jessica alba, cooking with

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